If you are unaware of what ‘neuro-normal’ is, it’s a phrase used to describe those without things such as autism. Rayne is our ‘neuro-spicey’ child and I promise if you knew Rayne, you’d know spicey is the perfect phrase to describe her!
Rayne is a total spitfire! She requires constant watching as she has not an ounce of fear. We’ve found her on the outside railing of our loft, looking down at the couch, deciding if she was going to jump. That was me turning my back for just a moment. Rayne can’t be trusted for even a minute to not get herself into trouble.
Rayne is our only child with autism and is the center of all our lives, including Emma & Lilly’s. Emma & Lilly are both mother hens to Rayne and God forbid anyone ever try to mess with Rayne. I can tell you that Emma has already gotten in someone’s face on the bus for making autism jokes, and I couldn’t be prouder.
With all being said, how do you make sure your neuro-normal kids feel loved when they have a sibling that required constant care and attention? Lilly has had a few breakdowns of “why does Rayne get more attention than me?” and the most heart-wrenching “Sometimes I feel you love Rayne more.” This couldn’t be further from the truth, but she is right that Rayne gets more attention. Not because we love Rayne more but because she requires it.
I’ve created a list of 6 things you can do to help make sure your neuro-normal child feels loved in a family that typically revolves around one little being.
1. Setting Up One-On-One Time: Setting up one-on-one time with them, outside of the home, and doing something fun can be extremely fulfilling for Lilly. Even if it’s a quick trip to the coffee shop or a day of shopping without Rayne. Mike & I will take turns, or we try to go grab her while the kids are with John. These one-on-one times mean so much. We’ve also expressed our concerns to family such as Lilly’s grandma & Mike’s son & daughter-in-law. These people have all taken Lilly for some alone time and Lilly comes back refreshed!
2. Creating a Special Place to Escape to: Usually, this will be their room, but if you can offer them something a little extra special that’s great! Lilly has a nook in her room that we made a reading/writing area. She has her computer, Big Joe chair, and other comfy items. We’ve let her pick out wall art she wants, let her put a light strip under her bed, put a child lock on the outside she can engage when she wants to make sure Rayne stays out, and allow her to lock her door. Having her special space can be very important when Rayne is having a meltdown and it's starting to get to Lilly. It can be so difficult when your child is screaming and freaking out and you don’t know why. However, I can’t imagine being a 10-year-old and living with that kind of chaos at times. She does so well but some days she does need an escape from it all. So be a little extra with their room, give them something special, let them lock the door, whatever you have to do to give them an escape that feels special.
3. Leave Little Notes: Leave notes on their bathroom mirror or in their room while they’re at school. Tell them how much you appreciate them, and what they do for their sibling. Remind them they are special, loved, and so so appreciated. We all know how it feels to know we are appreciated; our children are no different. Maybe they even need to hear it more often than we do. Give them a little box to store these notes in to pull out and read any time they start to have intrusive thoughts that get them down. I would say this is a great thing to do for any child, but especially those with a neuro-spicy sibling.
4. Show Acts of Love: One of my favorite examples of this is a candle-lit bath, how relaxing they are, especially when we don’t have to set them up! Our kids get stressed like we do and deserve to destress as we do! (Minus the glass of wine!) Think of what makes us feel special and relaxed, and see how you can translate that to your child. A few ideas could be: Their favorite game for game night, their favorite dinner, or just a walk around the block to clear their head. The list is endless and I’m sure you can think of more based off your child’s likes!
5. Have a Conversation: This sounds SO simple, but you’d be surprised how many times it’s looked over by parents. We want to pour on the gifts, but we forget sometimes a simple conversation can make the world of difference! When Lilly has episodes of feeling less loved and receiving less attention, she is right in the fact Rayne gets more attention because it’s the only way we can keep her alive, but it has nothing to do with loving her more. Though Lilly knows this, sometimes she just has to hear it and I can completely understand that. She’ll cry, and I’ll hold her, remind her why Rayne receives more attention & that we love them both the same. She’ll quickly cheer up and we move on. I’ve broken down crying to Mike, telling him I’m not strong enough on the toughest of days. I need someone to tell me I am, that I can do this, and I feel this is Lilly’s version of that.
6. Give a Gift from Your Neuro-Spicey Child: So even though this can be a task to get Rayne involved in a craft, it’s worth the effort to give Lilly something special. This helps her feel a level of appreciation from Rayne herself. You write out the card “Thanks for taking care of me sissy!” and your neuro-spicey child colors it! Make a special shirt with their handprints on it, of course, if they are young enough to not complain about wearing it. There are a million crafts on Pinterest that you could use as an appreciation gift for the Lilly in your life. You can also buy gifts to give as well, I’m just always a sucker for handmade gifts.
It’s easy for us parents to be so focused on the child having the meltdowns & about to leap off the second-story loft, it’s hard to remember to give a little extra attention to the quiet ones in the background of the chaos; the ones who help tame the chaos!
Somedays I forget and Lilly has to remind me, somedays Rayne is being extra naughty so I remember that means extra attention to Lilly once I get Rayne under control.
The biggest thing I hope parents take from this is to communicate openly & show appreciation to the often-forgotten siblings of autistic children.
Much love,
M
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