A Letter to my Teenage Self

My childhood was rocky growing up and it came to a head at 14 when I met my father in court and he told the court he figured my mom would have gotten married and that person would be my dad. Something inside me broke that day and the gates of hell were opened. I started drinking, lost my virginity, developed a shoplifting habit, and anything else that made me not feel so empty for a short period of time.

I became the scapegoat of my family, for those of you who don’t know the term, it’s the family member of a broken or hurting family, that acts out. I was the one who acted out to seek out help. It created tension between me and my mother and my brother grew to hate me. Our family was broken and I couldn’t handle it.

So here’s the letter I wish 14-year-old me had all those years ago:

Dear Marissa,

First off, chill girl. Take a breather, drink some water, and just stop.

After all these years I can tell you that alcohol and sex don’t make you feel better. In fact you will continue to feel worse and worse with every man you hook up with, none of them will give you the love you are craving. Those men are coming but they are not these losers you are trying to heal that broken heart with.

You are going to break the cycle, you are going to be a great mom someday and your kids will have the life you always wanted. You’ll make mistakes but you love them, they love you, and you do great. Even the days you feel like a failure, you are still giving them a great life. Stop hoping for babies with these men though, wait, the right man for that is coming. There’s a man who will give you love and 2 beautiful girls and won’t make you a single mom. I have a secret to tell you though, these babies don’t fix your wounds. You still have to do that work yourself, they will give you the reason to hold on the days you want to end it.

Your father never comes around, you meet him when you are 21 and he stops talking to you when you stop sending money. So lose the hope that one day he’ll be back, those are wounds you have to heal yourself, he will not heal them for you. No man on the face of the planet is going to fix them for you, you have to do that hard work.

No baby or man is going to fix those gaping holes in your heart little girl, you will heal over time. You will heal with counseling, mental health diagnosis, and medications. Your family was broken but you don’t have to be.

You also need to start learning to love yourself, none of this is your fault. It takes a long time but eventually you figure it out.

You’re going to go through so much, you’re going to face things you won’t imagine but I have a secret to tell you, YOU SURVIVE IT! You survive your childhood, the mistakes you make growing up, and everything else life throws your way.

You marry a wonderful man, it doesn’t work out but you stay the best of friends. You raise two beautiful girls together that you had when the time was finally right. Like I said, they don’t fix your wounds like you always felt a baby would, but they help you hang in there when things are tough.

You eventually find your person and there’s no doubt in your body that he’s the one for you. He loves you and helps you learn to love yourself. He loves you while you finish healing wounds you didn’t think would ever close. He sees you at your worst and doesn’t give up on you. But you never would have met him if everything in your life hadn’t gone the way it did. You find him because of every struggle you went through.

You grow to be a strong woman, someone who loves to help others, someone who talks loud about mental health, and someone you can be proud of. You know your brain doesn’t work right, please know a huge part of that is coping. Your brain did what it had to do to survive, it’s not your fault! It doesn’t make you unlovable, it means you have to find the right one.

You will learn to love yourself, be proud of who you are and what you’ve overcome. You will learn to wear every scar you put on your body as a sign of what you’ve lived through. You will have the life you would have killed for growing up. Your kids have a beautiful home, 2 loving dads, stability, and everything you’ve ever hoped for.

It’s coming, just hang in there. It’s going to be okay. No high school is not the best days of your life, but those days are coming. Those bullies mean nothing, and plot twist, a lot of them aren’t doing great as adults. Their opinion is nothing. You are a great person, just hang in there.

It’s going to be okay,

Adult You.