This article is written in my unprofessional opinion. I have no schooling to back up this information, this is strictly based on my experiences with borderline personality disorder.
I get to speak on this topic now after 2 marriages, one to a great guy who is the father of my children & still one of my best friends, and one to an evil narcissist who almost destroyed me completely. 3rd time is a charm and I’ve met my best friend & soul mate who understands me and my mental health (or lack thereof). I’ve cycled through many fascinations and relationships that lead to people being hurt, including me to be able to write this with the perspective I have today.
Romance when suffering from borderline personality disorder can be described with just three words: ‘whirlwind’, ‘beautiful’, and ‘terrible’. We are so very quick to fall in love and it’s pure love. We can love deeper than anyone else but the minute we start to get scared we run. We often push away because it’s better if I hurt you before you hurt me. We don’t want to be left behind, so we run before you can, and a huge part of us hopes you’ll chase us.
As I previously described in my post, “My Quick Obsessions”, sometimes our feelings cycle like our obsessions with everything else. Which I wouldn’t say is love in this case, it’s a fascination. We go from all in on someone, everything is about them, and then boom we decided we are bored. As harsh as this sounds, it’s the truth.
Whether it be love or fascination, a lot of people are scared off by the intensity of BPD’s feelings when they first meet. We want to spend every waking minute with you, we want you to feel the same for us, which if you aren’t BPD is not likely. (Probably not considered healthy either.) We have this flame that burns and then we smother it. Often, it’s because of fear of abandonment, ‘if I give you too much time by yourself you are going to realize you like things better without me!’ or ‘If you have time alone, you’ll find someone who isn’t mentally ill, and leave me!’ It’s a terrifying feeling.
Early on, I will destroy all unspoken boundaries, mine & yours, if I don’t specifically spend time focusing on not doing so. The feelings are SO strong that it’s so hard not to. You setting boundaries with me is the only hope I have of not destroying us. I personally don’t want to hurt people, so when you tell me a specific boundary you need me to follow, I will listen. It’s ones that should be unspoken that I’ll need reminders on.
Whether it fades or cycles out like other obsessions is when I know if the feelings are true. The big question ends up being, “will this person stick around through the early whirlwind chaos for me to find out?” That’s the ultimate test.
Luckily for me, Mike and I did. It was dicey at first, especially with us both freshly getting away from our abusers. I was a year out; he was a matter of weeks. We saved each other and that’s what made it so hard not to trash all boundaries and profess my undying love 3 dates in. He saved me from me, I had hit a plateau on healing and he was having trouble not getting sucked back into his abuser's games. Fate is what brought us together, love & hard work is what has kept us there.
With that being said let's go into traits that any person with borderline personality disorder needs to avoid when looking for a significant other:
· A Narcissist or someone who purposefully triggers you: Yes, anyone should avoid a narcissist but especially those with BPD. We are a prime target for them, as we are easily manipulated. We are easy to gaslight (we know we are crazy!), we have low self-esteem, and our feelings are true even if yours are not. If you find yourself in a situation where someone is always out to make you feel crazy, someone is always making you feel awful about yourself, get away! It’s likely not in your head, even though they will tell you it is. My abuser's key phrase was, “stop being emo”.
· Others who struggle with mental illness: This doesn’t mean all mental illnesses, and I’m sure I’ll receive some messages over this one but… be cautious if your partner has mental health issues as well. BPDs are super reactive, so if your partner has depression and is in a ‘life sucks’ phase, you will likely find yourself right there with them. If they are having anxiety, ‘the world is ending!’, you will likely find yourself right there with them. And vice versa! This was a huge contributing factor to me and my ex-husband not working out, we both struggle with mental health, and we fed off of each other. We’d end up spiraling together and it made for a very unhealthy situation. Luckily, Mike is what I needed in a partner. When I start to spiral, he is strong mentally and can stop me, or lessen the blowback. BPDs need someone strong enough mentally to handle them. Someone who can reinforce those boundaries we are so well known for galivanting over.
· Especially other BPD: I have never had a successful friendship with another BPD, let alone a romantic one. I have done a good deal of research on the subject and in my unprofessional opinion, two BPDs together in any form is a recipe for pure toxicity! Save yourself the trauma and destruction, do not try to make a life with another BPD.
Now that I’ve covered traits to avoid, here are a few tips to finding and keeping a relationship healthy when you have BPD:
· Find someone strong mentally: BPD is no excuse to be awful, it does not give you the right to treat others like trash. It does however help explain some of the weird things we do. So while you work on yourself, if you end up in a relationship, it needs to be with someone strong. Anything less will send you both spiraling and set you back steps in your progress. Do not do this to yourself or others.
· Find someone who is willing to learn: It is crucial for your partner to understand what borderline personality disorder is, what your triggers are, your fears, and how they can best support you. This is how you can find the good ones, they know your triggers and avoid them! Someone knows that when you fight you need that message of “Hey, I’m really upset and need space, but I promise we will get through this. I’m not leaving”. That is when you know you’ve found a good one.
· Someone who is willing to help set boundaries: BPDs are notorious for trashing boundaries. So find someone who will sit with you when your head is clear, set these boundaries, and then help you keep them when your head is not so clear. Boundaries are good, boundaries are healthy!
· You need to allow open & constructive conversations: This does not mean you don’t cry or show a healthy amount of emotion, but it means you don’t freak out! It means sitting down and listening. My favorite is to use “I feel” statements, no one can tell you that you don’t feel a certain way and it helps the other party not feel attacked. This doesn’t mean you get to use the whole “I feel you are an asshole” even though it may be tempting at times. If you can’t sit and have a calm-ish conversation your relationship is doomed.
· Wait: Yes babe, wait. Wait until you’ve found someone who meets the criteria. Being lonely sucks, being with someone you don’t belong with is worse. Waiting is going to save your and others’ feelings. Celebrate your independence, and set up a buddy system so you don’t go completely off the rails without someone there. I have a group chat with my 2 closest friends, when I was single I’d text them “I’m going to do XYZ if you don’t tell me it’s a bad idea”… now that’s Mike’s job.
If you are a BPD… I see you, I know it sucks. It hurts but find the beauty in it. We can love like no one else! There is beauty to the depths of our feelings once we learn to control them.
If you love someone with BPD… I see you too! I can’t imagine loving someone like me, Mike can! It’s not easy, I feel like a burden so much of the time because I know. I will say that if your BPD is doing their best to make progress with their illness, they aren’t using it as an excuse to treat others poorly, then stick with them. They love you like no other can. Find support and make sure you protect your own mental health.
Like I said, BPD and romance… It’s a beautiful and terrible whirlwind.
Much Love,
M
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