One thing many people don’t know is that John and I’s marriage was falling apart during Rayne’s early diagnosis stages. Knowing I may be raising a child with autism was scary enough, the thought of possibly doing it alone (when I had her) was paralyzing at times. So, it added a whole new layer to the impending divorce that was quickly screaming down the railroad tracks toward us. Luckily, we figured it out.
John and I have both taken turns being single parents over the years and I can tell you that having one of your children having autism is so difficult when doing it by yourself, but we don’t do it alone enough to complain. We always have the ability to call the other, I can tell you bedtimes are usually the hardest. You’re worn out, Rayne’s wired, and they used to be straight-up hell before we found Little Keeper Sleepers. (Not an affiliate link, just in love with their product.)
Over the years we’ve not only had to learn to co-parent, but we’ve also had to learn to co-parent a child with autism. I decided that before I deep dive into an article about general co-parenting, I should touch on tips for co-parenting Rayne in particular.
So here are my top 8 tips for co-parenting a child with autism, starting with a few general co-parenting tips:
1. Forgiveness: Master this first because you will use it a lot! I can’t say I’ve had to use it as much, but John sure has! If John were to hold everything against me, we’d have a complete breakdown of our friendship and not be able to raise our children as well as we do now. FORGIVE them! They are your ex, but they are also a human being. They are the father/mother of your child and tension with you guys will only hurt your baby. Learn to forgive.
2. Communicate: I can’t stress this enough! Just freaking talk to each other!! Send a quick text, give them a quick, call, it’s seriously not that hard. Whether it's alerting of a possible schedule change, child behavior, or personal things going on with you that may cause changes with parenting, COMMUNICATE THAT TO THEM! Stop blindsiding the other parent because you don’t want to talk to them. Keep the vibes calm, for your child.
3. Let Your Love for Your Child Outweigh Everything: That includes letting it outweigh any ill feelings you have for your ex. Any time you feel like being malicious look at that precious face, the face of your child, the face of a child who very well may rely on you both the rest of their life and stop. Take a break and realize that being malicious is only going to hurt that sweet baby and you know you don’t want to do that.
4. Don’t Be a Stickler: This is a hot point for me, John’s first ex would make us miss calls before we got custody of his oldest if we were even 5 minutes late calling. Who did that really hurt? Our daughter! She missed an important call with her daddy because he didn’t get that call made right at 6:30 pm. We don’t do phone calls much because Lilly has her own phone and calls him whenever she wants, but we take turns if one of us needs a break. “Hey, I’m stressed to my max right now, can you give me a couple of hours to get myself together”. The answer is almost always yes!! We love to see our babies on the weeks we don’t have them, so it’s a win for us and they love to see us. The parent that’s needing a minute to recharge wins because they have a few hours without the chaos of the kids to get themselves together to be the best parent they can be when the kids get back… and who wins with this? THE KIDS! So stop being jerks to each other, having your ex as a friend is one of the best things ever! I also want to watch Rayne’s schedule, if John is having a really late work night, and won’t be by to get the girls until like 7:00, I just ask to keep them so that Rayne will stay on her bedtime schedule or I get her ready for bed and he takes her home and puts her straight to bed. Just be kind to each other!
5. Visual/Verbal Cues Where They Will Be: Rayne is at my house every single day except every other weekend. She doesn’t go to daycare anymore, so she comes straight home after school and if it’s John’s week, he comes to get them after work. So, it can be confusing for Rayne on knowing what house she is at. She’s learned she is going to be sleeping at the house her iPad is at, so that’s helpful. Her iPad doesn’t come over here the weeks that she’s at her daddy’s. I also will tell her, “Daddy will be here to get you later!” Another great idea would be to put a visual calendar up so she can see which house she’ll be at. (I plan to just haven’t gotten around to it yet.)
6. Matching Schedules/Routines: We try to match our routines as much as possible because Rayne thrives on routine. Her biggest thing is obviously her bedtime routine. Medicine, bath, hair, jail jammies, cheese stick, bed. Simple enough but it’s important to her to try to keep things in the same order for her. It brings calmness to her brain no matter which house she is at. This goes back to point number 2, communication! That’s all it took! A little talking between John & me, then bam, matching schedules and routines.
7. Matching Products/Clothing: This is where I’m going to plug those god-send pajamas again! We both got Little Keeper Sleeper Pajamas at each of our homes, which is the only clothing she wears at home. We can’t get her to wear anything outside of her diaper during the day but at bedtime, she has the same comfy pajamas on. I do think this makes a huge difference in her comfort level. No matter what kind of pajamas, having similar pajamas is going to bring a level of comfort at bedtime. She also has Chubuddy tubes at each house, so she has the same products for biting down on. Little things like this I think make such a huge difference in how she reacts to swapping back and forth.
8. Matching Bedrooms: This was more of a project but we eventually got it done and it’s made a huge difference in how Rayne reacts. Rayne has matching swings at each house, a crash pad, and matching makeshift safety beds. So she crawls into the same safe space in each room, each night to go to sleep. This goes back to being able to have a good relationship so you can communicate with your ex for the betterment of your child!
So how do we co-parent a child with autism? Grace.
Without grace, you will get nowhere, and it will only hurt your child. So please be kind to yourself & one another because this journey is hard. If you can’t give grace to the other party, you will stay angry and it will bleed into all aspects of your child’s life. Instead, let love be what overwhelms your child’s life!
I hope this helps reach someone who needed it.
Much Love,
M
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