We seem to always talk about the symptoms of bipolar and borderline personality disorder. We talk of the episodes, the fallout, and how it affects families, but we rarely talk of the guilt and shame one feels dealing with BP and BPD.
Many may not know that we do indeed feel guilt and shame, especially after an episode. I'm not saying everyone, I know of people that have the "this is just who I am, take it or leave it" attitude. I would feel safe saying that most of us want to be better, so when our disorder takes over, we are ashamed.
I am lucky enough to be one that wants to get better and do better. I used my shame and guilt to try to do better the next time. Though I'm still learning to forgive myself and not continue to tear myself down.
Guilt and shame are negative emotions, meaning if held onto it's going to tear you apart and won't do anyone any good. As survivors of these mental illnesses, we have to try to work through these emotions just as we have to work through our symptoms. Not working through these emotions can lead to more episodes and more negative emotions.
Most of the time, we cannot control an episode. There are times the illness takes over and we get wrapped up in the horrible thoughts it tells us. "No one loves you", "they are going to leave you", "if you don't act now you will be alone." Our only hope is to try to lessen the frequency and severity of these episodes. Using that guilt and shame you felt can be a great tool for this!
We will always feel a level of guilt for what our family and loved ones go through dealing with us, but what we need to remember is we are loved. We are loved and we can continue to do better each time we act out.
So how can a person with BP/BPD use their guilt positively:
Motivation to do better: Remember how you felt the last time you acted out and want to avoid that feeling again. Use that motivation to remember it's the BP/BPD talking.
Motivation to learn new coping skills: Coping skills are KEY to dealing with these disorders. There's no cure-all for these awful disorders, so we have to learn how to deal with them! Use your guilt to push you forward in learning how to better deal with it.
How can a non-BP/BPD person help:
Remind them they are loved: You don't have to accept any form of abuse, but if your loved one is trying, remind them they are loved! One of our biggest fears is abandonment and knowing we are still loved after an episode is crucial.
Understand it's the illness: Again, this does not need to be accepting abuse of any kind. You need to protect yourself too. But if your loved one is trying their best then just keep in mind it's the illness talking when these episodes come to a head.
Learn their coping skills with them: This can help you to remind them of their skills when they are in the whirlwind of an episode.
BPD/BP-ers and our normal-brained people, I hope you both got something out of this article.
Much Love,
M
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