Whether people admit it or not, healthy relationships have some fighting in them. Not all the time of course but there needs to be some fighting. Relationships that have no fighting can be concerning because it typically means someone is shutting down and not speaking up for themselves. The trick is to know how to have a productive fight and how to not let them get out of hand.
So how do you fight the right way?
3 Fighting Tactics to Stay Away From:
1. The Use of YOU Statements: When you are talking with your spouse and you start using ‘YOU’ statements, it’s going to make them feel attacked. Saying ‘you did this’ will put them on the defensive, meaning you’re moving away from it continuing to be a productive conversation.
2. Not Allowing Small Breaks: This is always hard for me personally because I want it done and resolved right now! However, there are times when a tough conversation can become unproductive, meaning you run the risk of just hurting each other more. So if things start becoming heated and you aren’t getting anywhere, take a break! Mike and I have had this a few times and we remind the person we love them but that we need a break from this conversation.
3. Sweeping Things Under the Rug: Now if you take a break, this does not mean turning around and pretending everything is okay. If you try to just ignore the problem, it will surface again in the future, you can only sweep so much under the rug before it all comes tumbling back on because they breathed wrong. Don’t let things build up, you need to talk!
These are my big 3 DON’Ts for productive ‘fighting’.
So, what about tips for productive fights or difficult conversations?
1. Knowing When to End It: There is a difference between ending a conversation after it’s been as productive as it can be and sweeping things under the rug. Sometimes the end result isn’t what you were hoping for, sometimes it’s ending a conversation with “I see your side, you see my side, we won’t be agreeing on this topic, so let’s agree to disagree.” Validate their side but understand that you guys won’t be coming to an agreement. This is how you can move past difficult situations without them popping up in a blowout fight because you let things build up.
2. Using ‘I Feel’ Statements: This is my number one method for handling a fight because they can’t tell you that something didn’t make you feel a certain way! “You doing this made me feel like this”. Now, I’m not going to lie, I’ve tried to misuse them, “I feel you are being an asshole” is not the correct way to use ‘I Feel’ statements, as tempting as this can be sometimes. Use I feel statements appropriately and I promise it will change the way you and your spouse communicate forever!
3. Take a Break When Too Heated: It sounds so simple but it’s hard to take a step back when things are heated. Learning when to recognize that a conversation isn’t productive anymore can be hard when you are in the midst of intense feelings in a fight. Signs that it’s not a productive conversation anymore are you are going in a circle making no progress each lap, you are starting to spout off cruel words with the intention of bringing pain to the other party, or you guys are just yelling at each other. Take a step back, gather your thoughts, and come back to the discussion once you both have had an opportunity to breathe and think.
4. Resolve Before Leaving the Home: This is just my little tip as someone who worries every time my kids or husband leaves the house. Mike knows the panic I feel when we fight and he leaves, so we don’t leave the house when angry. We will find some kind of resolution if it’s something we have to come back to. Storming out and getting out of the situation can be tempting, but what if something happens when you leave? What if you’re hit by a drunk driver and that’s your spouse’s last memory with you is you angrily storming out of the house? This is where my mind always goes, so I make sure to tell Mike I love him, even if upset.
5. Hold Hands / Make Some Kind of Physical Contact: This is one tip Mike and I both benefit from, holding hands while having these hard conversations. We personally need that extra level of “I love you but we gotta talk” vs arms crossed & ready for battle. Find a way to show love even during the hard talks.
6. Put Your Pride Aside: Yeah, that’s a hard one, I know but it’s so necessary. Pride is one of the hardest things to set aside but you have to if you want to have a true and open conversation. You can ask yourself, ‘What is more important? My spouse or my fragile pride.’ I think 99% of us would say our spouse! So when something hits your right in the ego, think before reacting. Did it hurt your pride because you know you messed up? If so, that leads me to point number 7…
7. Apologize! If you did anything wrong, say you’re sorry! Don’t give empty apologies just to get the conversation done, but really mean it and take ownership! My biggest pet peeve is when people say things like ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ instead of ‘I’m sorry my actions hurt you.” There is a huge difference between the two and how you apologize will determine the rest of that conversation. Sometimes an apology is all that is needed to bring an end to a fight!
Fighting, or just having some rough disagreements, is impossible to avoid in a healthy relationship. It means you guys are staying true to who you are and saying what you really think, so never fighting isn’t as good as it sounds. Mike and I don’t fight often, but of course, we have our disagreements but we converse with a purpose when resolving them. We’ve learned how to communicate with each other, exactly how you do when you love someone. Romantically or not, everyone will run into disagreements with loved ones of any kind!
Learn to talk with a purpose and it will change your life.
Thanks for reading!
M
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