To end the month of love, let’s talk about the story of my first love.
I married my first husband when I was 16 years old, shortly after we miscarried our triplets. (Yeah, that’s a whole different story.) John saved me from many things, including myself. I still shudder to this day thinking of where I would be in life, if I’d still even be alive if it weren’t for him.
John is the father of my children and still to this day one of my very best friends. He’s the first person I call after Mike, Mike & I have a group chat with him, he comes over for holidays, we talk every day, and he will be a part of my life until the day I die regardless of children.
The reason I want to talk about John is because this is a prime example of people falling out of love, or people loving each other but figuring out they aren’t IN love because they aren’t right for each other. One of my best examples is that John and I have similar anxiety so when I tell Mike that I feel the world is ending he can calm me down, telling me it’s not. When I would tell John, he’d freak out and start to worry the world was ending too. Because of our similar mental health and such, we became toxic after being together for 8 years.
Fresh out of the divorce our love for each other very quickly turned to hate. When you have intense feelings such as love, they don’t disappear, but they sure as hell mutate when things like divorce happen. I will say proudly that even at our worst, we didn’t let it affect our children, but it was sure hard for us. I had lost my best friend and it was a horrible feeling. So when time passed and the wounds healed, I was so grateful to have my friend back.
Now, if I didn’t have kids with him, I likely would have just cut contact and peaced out. I’m a runner, it’s less painful. However, the kids forced me to face the uncomfortable and to fix the relationship with John. The relationship was not only damaged, but it was also a different relationship now. I’ll forever be grateful we fixed our friendship, and that John is the father of my children and not some bum.
So here are a few tips I have for those who have an ex who they have to continue to have in their life or WANT to continue to have in their life:
1. Give It Time: Yes, I know you probably rolled your eyes but seriously! No amount of talking will fix, in my case, 8 years of memories in one sitting. You HAVE to give it time. Let each other breathe, let wounds heal, and do some soul-searching. Talk to your friends, family, and maybe a counselor. I encourage you to make sure you aren’t dealing with a narcissist because that can make a huge difference in how you proceed forward. Time is going to heal things that talking cannot.
2. Minimum Talking Period: As hard as it is to stop calling the person you talked to all day every day, you have to. That’s part of letting your heart and mind heal. You don’t have to be mean about it, you can communicate it to the other party, but you need to keep some distance there while you figure out who you are. If you have children, then stick to communicating ONLY about the kids. It’s hard, especially those moments when you want to call them and tell them something exciting. Believe me, I remember that feeling, but you have to start putting those boundaries in place for both of your sake.
3. Talk About the Ugly Feelings: Okay, now you’ve given it time and you need to talk. You need to have the ugly conversations, yes conversations. If you try to force everything into one conversation, it can become toxic and cause more damage. So, sit down, talk until it starts becoming counterproductive, and then stop. Regroup once everyone has had time to relax and breathe through the negative feelings. You do have to face the ugly, there will be heated conversations, there will be topics you have to admit you did wrong, and there will be topics you have to call “agree to disagree”.
4. Have Grace: This means, have grace for your ex as you expect them to have grace for you as you navigate this new relationship. This can become especially relevant when the other gets into a new relationship. You have to learn new boundaries just as they do, so you guys are bound to mess up at times. Make sure you have forgiveness for them because you are going to need it as well. I again stress making sure you talk to a professional if you suspect you are dealing with a narcissist because you will do a lot of forgiving and shouldn’t be.
5. Set New Boundaries: So those pesky boundaries I’ve been talking about, what are they? Things like, now you need to text before you drop by, understand you aren’t entitled to an automatic text back or a text back at all. Things change a lot and it’s not easy to accept but you have to. I remember after my divorce I would just drop by whenever I wanted to see the girls and that because quite a problem once he started dating someone new. Believe me, you don’t want your ex & his new boo to meet you at the door with ruffled hair and pissed-off looks on their faces.
The biggest way to get along with your ex when you have to? Time and grace.
You cannot rush healing, yours or theirs, so give it some time. I promise that if you give it time, you will be looking at a much healthier relationship at the end of it.
John is one of my best friends, but it didn’t come without fights, heartache, and bitchy texts here & there. I can tell you the reason we fought to forgive is our kids but at the end of the day we both are good people who have love for each other. We want to raise our kids beyond just tolerating each other, we want to give them the best we can. We are lucky to be able to spend Christmas together, do one Thanksgiving, and let our kids see you don’t have to hate the other after a divorce. We also have a friendship outside of our kids, we call each other to chat, we talk to each other about personal stuff, at the end of the day we are best friends.
Give it time and do the hard work, it’ll get figured out if you both are willing to do the work.
Much Love,
M
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