Now, this wasn’t a planned article because I couldn’t write about this is I wasn’t in the midst of it as we speak! It’s a wild ride and I’m ready to get off it now please.
I have not had a severe bout of mania in years, at least 3 because Mike has never seen me in a horrible manic phase. I’ve always prided myself in being self-aware, my doctors have praised me for ability to know if I am manic, okay, or depressed. I think my biggest issue is the confusion about what sparked this episode, I expected a bout of depression, not mania.
When we had our last pretrial hearing for my case in Alaska and I found out we will be going to court finally in February or March, it shook me to my core. I knew it would be here eventually, but it’s been pushed off for over 2 years now because of COVID and it was peaceful. He’s locked up and I don’t have to go face him. Now I have to go face the man who raped me, and my body reacted before I understood what I had heard. This has ultimately led me to being manic since that call.
I didn’t realize it though; I was waiting for the deep depression that made sense following finding out this information. It never showed up but then the Amazon packages did. Over and over and over. So many were showing up I started praying they’d show when Mike wasn’t home. Even then, for whatever reason, it wasn’t clicking for me what was going on, but it did for Mike. Between the spending, the erratic behavior (we have a new fish tank), and not being able to stay on one topic for more than a minute, he figured out what was going on. He’d never seen it but he’s taken the time to research bipolar disorder.
Whatever greater power above sent this man to me because he wasn’t mad, he just addressed it to make sure he was right, and I knew. He was right.
Very quickly I stopped being able to sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time and my concentration was gone. Trying to stay on task is an absolute nightmare right now. This is never great but then COVID came.
We went to Vegas this last weekend and while there Mike contracted COVID and I caught it right after him. As anyone knows, with COVID you need constant sleep and that’s what I did… at first. I got a few days of sleep while feeling like I was absolutely dying. (As awful as I felt, the sleep felt amazing!) About the 3rd day in, the worst of it had passed, which meant I was back to not sleeping even though I really really need it right now.
I still feel awful, but I’m not able to sleep beyond 3-4 hours at the moment and here’s the worst part… I’m tired, I’m beat down, I feel awful BUT I’M STILL BATTLING BEING HYPERACTIVE! How. Does. This. Work?!
My body wants rest, my mind wants me to solve all world problems, complete all my work for the next 2 months, and clean my entire house while I’m at it. It’s painful to try to sit still and watch a movie, even cuddled up with Mike, I need to be doing something on my laptop but the minute I get up to do anything physical I’m quickly reminded how awful I feel. It’s a dynamic I’ve certainly never felt before. It’s a dynamic I would have been okay not knowing.
The good news is, aside from the little extra Amazon spending, this will be the least damaging, severe manic episode I’ve ever had. It’s also kept me more productive that I likely would have been with COVID. So, thanks to the Gods above, I got the happy medium of both illnesses, it’s just extremely uncomfortable at the moment.
I’ll plan to cover more about mania and depressive episodes down the road, but I hope to never have another opportunity to cover having COVID and being manic at the same time again.
Thanks for reading!
Much Love,
M
P.S.
This is a mini/bonus post, it will not take place of the normally scheduled posts this week.
Comments