Note from Marissa: Mike wrote the following post about 3 months ago, and I couldn't share it because it hurt my feelings. No one wants to think they are hurting the one they love in any fashion, and all I could focus on was “you’re hurting him”. It’s not easy loving someone with BPD, then add bipolar disorder on top of it, but to hear it sucked.
Mike wrote what I asked him, knowing that it wouldn’t be an article of how great I am but it still hurt in a way. Now I’ve sat on it, reread it, and know it shares exactly what I want people to know. Mike and I have a wonderful & healthy relationship, he doesn’t love me any less for having BPD, but it doesn’t mean it’s always easy.
My hope is this finds the significant other of a BPD person, someone else who needs to know they aren’t alone. Happy reading!
Marissa asked me to guest write from time-to-time on her blog and I reluctantly agreed. The first of my contributions to her blog will not be a tale of how we met, nor an explanation of the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD). Rather, I would like to share how it is to be in a relationship with someone who deals with BPD. Marissa describes it as a whirlwind of multiple emotions and experiences. I would agree it can be a really extreme mix of everything.
To start out, for as long as I have known Marissa she has had a full grasp of her mental health issues. To say that, does not mean she can always manage or control the stages of her episodes. Often she is well into an episode before she realizes it. What it does mean is that she can recognize it and try her best to counteract it or limit its effects. She recognizes many of her triggers and will limit her exposure to them. Much like alcoholism or any addiction one can limit and recognize triggers but one can not change the fact that they will always be there.
Next, let me say that I don’t have any new or great epiphany on how best to love someone with BPD. I, like so many others that have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder, have had to educate myself on what BPD is. What are the symptoms; what causes it; what are the ways I can best help her through an episode and anything else I can learn. I am still learning and adapting to the different aspects of this disorder. I can not say that I have a great handle on it but I am improving. I can share some of the things I have learned and my experience thus far.
Here is a quick snapshot of the things that a person with borderline personality disorder will experience. They will often have problems with maintaining healthy relationships. This is not limited to romantic relationships but extends to friendships and family relationships as well. BPD persons are quick to love and just as quick to disconnect. They are often “full in” on every relationship within a very short time. This can be overwhelming and can scare off many people. They can also be quick to push you away to “protect themselves”. I put that in quotes because it's how they see it.
BPD individuals are often very impulsive. This can be very self-destructive and have life-long consequences. They will experience intense and erratic moods. The intensity of these moods is probably the one thing I find to be the most difficult to experience as someone without this disorder. Everything is very real and often very big. These individuals also deal with maintaining stable employment. This is a multifaceted condition of their disorder. Oftentimes this is a complete combination of all the symptoms of the disorder; interpersonal dynamics, intense moods, alternate grasp of reality, impulsivity, or a deep feeling of a void for which they are continuously trying to fill. It is hard to have employers understand manic episodes and the need for time to deal and heal from them.
I have watched Marissa put her complete self into a project or job to the point of losing sight of everything else. As with anything we put everything of ourselves into it becomes hard to separate it from who we are not just what we are doing. With that, I have watched her take everything about a project personally. Which means, any criticism or alternative view of something automatically becomes an attack on her. I’ve always watched people attack her and because she threw herself into it completely, the emotional consiquences were catostraphic.
So how has this affected me? I run through my own range of emotions. Something I have had to learn to recognize and control myself. I often find myself following Marissa’s moods with intense moods of my own. I get frustrated often, and I am still learning on how best to deal with my and her moods. Marissa’s love language is words of affirmation, something I really suck at. My love language is touch and gifts. So this can be a struggle for any couple, but it can get intensified by BPD. Marissa needs ongoing reassurance. She has abandonment issues, so one of the things I have learned is to let her know, often, that I am not leaving her. I often feel responsible for her moods and will blame myself for triggering her. This will lead me to “walk on eggshells” at times. I occasionally find myself thinking about interactions and how it may trigger her. Something I am working on and gets better with time.
I will often feel obligated to help others see that some of her behaviors are a direct symptom of BPD. This can strain my own personal interactions and relationships with others. This has also put strain on my and Marissa’s relationship because when she and I don’t see eye-to-eye on something she will feel like I am against her or am not defending her. Which leads to her feeling I am abandoning her emotionally. I try to help her see things from a different perspective but this can lead to further conflict and her feeling that I am not on her side. I struggle with this as I am trying to be honest to her and to me. I can easily tell her what she wants to hear and the road ahead would probably be a lot smoother but then am I really loving her? Am I worried more about myself and my own peace than helping her?
Marissa will want me to join in on one or all of her projects, hence this article for her blog. I will often have to decline not because I think the idea or project is not a good one but rather it’s not me. I don’t have the same passion or desire to do certain things. So I try to be as supportive as I can be and remind her that it’s okay if we have different interests. She will also become so involved in something that I have interest in that I feel it’s no longer mine. She means well and she is looking for that connection, that common thread so it is hard for her at times to let me have me time. I understand this is part of her abandonment issues.I have learned to go with the flow of her swings from one topic to another. One great idea to another. This can be exciting and exhausting at the same time.
Now how best to love someone and yourself while dealing with borderline personality disorder. Here is the holy grail of my insight on this topic. I don’t have a freaking clue. I simply do the best I can to understand, be patient and not get lost in the intensity of the disorder. I have taken the steps to learn about the disorder so that I can better recognize what the disorder is and how it manifests itself. This allows me to take more control over my own reactions to it. I don’t lose sight of my own self care. I have to protect myself, my relationships and my behaviors. I have learned and in many ways still learning how best to talk to Marissa during times of conflict. I feel like the biggest coping skill I have learned is to separate the disorder from our relationship. The next skill would be communicating with her. I am learning some of the things she needs to hear along with the other things I’m trying to convey.
In the effort of not losing myself, I often have to let a conflict be a conflict. Stand my ground but also reassure her that we will be okay. I continue to try to help her see things from a different perspective, but this can be very difficult as she will often have such a grip on her own reality that she can counter every alternative view with her reasoning. So then I have to decide which battle is worth fighting and which is worth letting go.
I don’t remember where this originated but we all know I didn’t just come up with it. All relationships go through multiple transitions. At first Love is a feeling then later it becomes a choice. I fell in love with Marissa which means I love all things Marissa. Love to everyone can be different but for me it reveals itself during the hard times. It is easy to love during the puppy dog stage; harder to love during the chewing on everything stage. That is not to say everything is hard or bad. Marissa and I share a love for adventure, we laugh often, and support one another. She has shown me how to love myself again and feel worth loving. We are all broken in some way or form. I have my past traumas and experiences that she has to deal with as well. She does so without complaints, well not many anyway.
To conclude this, the best advice I can give is to love completely, be patient and communicate. It really is no different than any other relationship, in that, we have to recognize where the other person is coming from. We also need them to know where we are coming from and you can only do that through communication. You have to set your own boundaries and let them know what they are and follow through. Self care is also key, don’t forget you have needs too. After that, hold on to your hat and enjoy the ride.
Until next time, take care and stay safe,
Mike
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