I was so proud of my blog, keeping those posts pumping out and then Alaska happened. As many know, we are in year 3 of court battles against my second ex-husband. When he was arrested, we were in the midst of COVID. This meant no speedy trial, but he was locked up and people were safe. So, I became numb to the situation, and court dates got pushed back over and over. Then the DA called and started talking about travel plans and hotels because we were ready to go to court, and things were finally coming to a head.
And I fell apart.
Everything came flooding back and I realized I was going to have to go back to Alaska soon.
I couldn’t work, I couldn’t function, let alone write. All the blog posts I wrote ahead of time started flowing through and I knew they would run out soon. Then they did and my blog went silent. Writing has been therapy to me and I couldn’t anymore, I was frozen.
Then the feelings of failure crept in, just another blog that was going to fall flat after everything I had built up.
I threw myself into my fish, and spent hours watching them while work and cleaning went undone. My fish have become my safe spot and it’s all I wanted to do.
Then what should have been our final pre-trial came and the defendant requested to call in to, which is unusual, but they let him. As us victims expected he went on a tirade how his rights have been violated and everything is working against him. My first thoughts were, my rights were violated when you forced yourself on me! What about my right to not be raped!
The judge shut him down and told him to speak to his attorney but once again we are in a holding pattern. I wanted to finish this before I become Mrs. Wilson and now it’s unlikely. This will likely carry on into my 30’s. The one thing I wanted to have done before I hit these millstones and I will likely carry this burden for another year or more.
So again I shut down.
There’s been a sense of peace knowing he’s locked up, but the burden of knowing I have to go back to that God-forsaken state is always there. It’s the last layer of healing and it’s in the hands of a court system that has to play his games so that he has nothing for an appeal. But every court hearing rips that wound back open.
Then the embarrassment of failing crept in, my posts were getting enough views that people noticed. How do I start back up?
Then I realized, I just do. I talk about why I shut down and I know I’ll be met with love and support.
So as I start to try to get back into the swing of things, this is why. The looming storm in Alaska is becoming bigger and it’s about to pop.
The monster facing 7 counts of first-degree rape is going to face the courts in the near future, but that means us victims will tear back open those raw wounds and tell the dirty details of what happened to us behind doors with a monster.
I’ll face that monster while holding my head high and telling my truth.
And even though I shut down for a bit, my engine is restarting. I’m feeling alive again, slowly but I’m getting there. I’m surrounded by love and support while doing so.
So thank you to those who have supported me, thank you to those who have checked in, and thank you to those who love me while I crumbled to pieces.
Until next time,
M
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