What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of your greatest accomplishment? Something with your job, facing a fear, raising a family? Mine is still being alive.
I suffer from bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, an anxiety disorder, and PTSD. Altogether it's an absolute bitch to manage. Ultimately, I have a brain that wants to die no matter how wonderful things in life are. One minor thing can send me from feeling happiness to spiraling into a deep depression. My life is beyond amazing, it's better than I ever imagined I would have, yet I still can easily find myself spiraling into thoughts of suicide. Not suicidal, but the thoughts are intrusive and take a toll. It's hard to explain, you don't want to die but your brain keeps telling you it would end the pain.
So how have I gotten through the darkest times? The times when the intrusive thoughts begin to take over.
Self-Awareness / Knowing It's the Mental Illness Talking: My doctors have praised my level of self-awareness, I'm aware of what is going on, but that doesn't mean I can control it. Luckily, when the thoughts get loud I'm able to take a step back and remind myself it's the mental illness talking. Knowing that it's my mental illness helps me know things aren't as bad as they feel and it helps me stay hopeful that these thoughts and feelings are going to pass.
Asking for Help: This can be very hard for people, admitting you're in a dark place. There's shame, fear of being put into the hospital, and fear of what people will think of you. Luck for me, I know my mental illness is a sickness just like diabetes, so I don't feel that shame. How do you find help though? How did I stop myself when I was counting pills to make sure it would do the job. -Call a Friend: Before Mike came into my life I was in a dark place, I spent numerous nights on the phone with my friends, sobbing, just waiting for the darkness to pass. -Call the Hotline: Call 800-273-TALK (8255) and talk to someone who can help you get through the want to die. For me I've never stayed suicidal beyond an hour, maybe two. So get someone on the phone who can help you through it. -Get Medical Attention: There's been one time when I knew I couldn't trust myself, I knew I needed help or I was going to do something bad. I left work, met Mike at home, and he drove me to the hospital to check myself in. This was when I finally got on meds again, got through wanting to die, and was able to come back home ready to take on life again.
My Reasons: My reasons for fighting are my kids, my amazing soon-to-be-husband, and even my ex-husband. These are the people I think about when I'm questioning why I'm still here, why I'm still trying. It's hard because when things get really dark I think my kids would be better off without me. Then I remember a video I saw a few years ago, a mom filmed her child crying because his father killed himself. He sobbed not understanding why Daddy left and why he can't come back. I then picture my kids, I don't want them to live with that pain. I think of Mike, how much I love him, and knowing how much he loves me; I don't want to hurt him. I also think of my ex having to raise our girls on his own and knowing I can't do that to him.
Continue Medication Adjustments: I'm unfortunately still having issues with medications and have been approved for ECT (electric shock therapy) but it has to wait until after my court case in Alaska because it affects your memory so badly. So that's very frustrating but in the meantime, I'm still working with my therapist to get meds that will balance me out a bit. I know it's hard to go on meds, for me it was frustrating because WHY CAN'T MY BRAIN JUST WORK RIGHT?! However, once they kicked in I was a million times more stable. Don't be ashamed to get help, you wouldn't turn down antibiotics for an infection so don't turn down meds to help your brain.
The biggest thing I want you to take away from this is that it's okay to ask for help. I can promise your friends and family would rather sit on the phone with you while it passes than to get the call you are gone. Don't give up hope when the days get dark, because they pass and you'll be so glad you held on just one more day.
That's it right there, take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you need to.
Much love,
M
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