For the past 3 years, we have called in monthly to what is called a pretrial. A pretrial is to check the availability of a court for a trial and to see if the defense and prosecution are ready for trial. For so long ours was pushed back because of COVID, now it's been the defense and it's hell every month.
For those that may not know, I am still currently battling with the other victims of my ex-husband for a whole month. I am one of three victims and his charges are 7 counts of first-degree rape. This means each month my wounds are ripped further open and I'm forced to think about the hell I faced in Alaska. It makes it impossible to heal.
My biggest fear is that my alleged abuser will get out of jail on bail because I fully believe that he will run. We just had another bail hearing where 2 more people were approved to become his 'babysitter' basically but the price was not dropped. I am terrified of the thought of him getting out. He is now saying he wants to get a new attorney, for the 4th time! He gives me serious Ted Bundy vibes.
This always throws me into a loop, my following days after hearings like this are followed by a lack of motivation and depression. I wish so much that this would just end but with the way he presents himself at the hearings, I'm convinced we may still be looking at another year or more.
These pretrials always rip the wounds open, the ones that may have just started to scab over the last month. It's reliving the hell I went through again every month.
I don't know how I'd get through this without my now bestie, Sam. She is the first victim of this man (that he's being charged with). It means the world to have someone to call, who listened to the same pretrial, who experienced the same hell, and someone I don't have to explain why this all has me so messed up.
We are basically on call until this comes to pass. Right now there is a chance we may be going to court on July 17th and it's been 3 years but I'm still not ready. I'm not ready to go back to that God-forsaken state and face that monster again. On the other hand, I'm ready for my day in court and ready for him to face the jury. You don't walk away from 7 counts of first-degree rape. He will face the consequences of his actions. So it's a hard thing to be this conflicted.
If you're the praying type or the vibes type, send them this way. This is a heavy weight to carry for this long. I want to heal, I want to be free but it's going to take time.
Much Love,
M
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