First, let’s just get this out of the way… non-verbal does NOT mean non-sassy! Rayne is absolutely the sassiest being I have ever met, and she doesn’t even have to use her words.
Where did our journey start? It started right after her autism diagnosis at 2 years old (her ‘official’ diagnosis was 3 because of guidelines). We met a neurologist who met Rayne for 15 minutes, he hadn’t done any tests but told me she wouldn’t talk. I went home and broke down, another huge chunk of the future I saw for my daughter was gone. I’d never hear ‘mommy’, I’d never hear ‘I love you’. I was already mourning the future I had pictured before her diagnosis, now I learn she won’t even be able to talk. I mourned.
If I could see that neurologist one more time, I’d tell him to kiss something because he couldn’t have been any more wrong.
Part of what led to Rayne’s father, John, & I babying her so much was because if she couldn’t talk that meant she couldn’t understand us, right? HA! So very wrong and unfortunately, we didn’t realize that until Mike came into our lives and told us to quit treating her like she was stupid. He saw right through her, she understood everything we said, she was just choosing to pretend that she didn’t. We bought it hook, line and sinker.
She has bonded so closely with Mike, and I fully believe it’s because he has treated her completely normally since the very beginning. I babied her so badly and John followed, we did her a major disservice. Luckily, we are doing better, and she is thriving.
The biggest thing I was prepared for was how frustrating it was going to be for BOTH sides of this. Rayne is screaming and crying because she can’t communicate what she wants and I’m crying because I don’t know what she wants. It took a while to figure out a way for her to communicate but after a few years, we finally have it figured out for the most part. The earlier years were tough, she didn’t know how to show us anything and it was nothing but a guessing game.
Luckily Rayne can now reach most of what she wants. She will put it on the counter if its food she wants us to prepare or dish up. If she can’t reach it, then she will take us by the hand and lead us to what she wants. She’ll place it on what the item is, or she will throw our hand in the direction of the item.
At the age of 2.5 years old, we tried a talking tablet from school. We tried for a while, but she showed absolutely no interest in it. Her tablet is for YouTube, not talking!! Eventually, we gave up.
Now in 2023, we have completed a trial run with a new tablet, and it has gone GREAT! She not only is mimicking the words (which is the goal), one of the times I told her to use it she said “no, mommy” and pushed it away. I will gladly take the sass to hear her beautiful voice call me mommy. Her permanent tablet should be here in the next few months.
So I wanted to share a little bit of our learning process with this and maybe some advice for others that may be going through something similar. Learning to communicate can be so draining that it’s best to take your time even though you just want it done right now.
The tablet devices can be a little overwhelming as they can cover SO much! People, places, foods, colors, gestures, etc. With so many… where do you start? We found that food to be the easiest. Rayne LOVES her chicken nuggets and tots, so she will gladly push a button for them. Don’t try to do them all at once or you will get overwhelmed and quit. Master one, add another.
Also, my advice is to push a healthy amount for them to use the tablet but not push so hard that it becomes traumatic for them. If it becomes too traumatic learning, then they will shut down. Rayne’s tantrums can mean biting herself or slamming her head on the ground, which we obviously don’t want. So, if we start to see her heading in that direction we will move on from the tablet for a bit.
Part of this process has taught us that most kids will do better at school first before it starts to carry over to home. I asked Rayne’s speech therapist why we hear about her doing all these amazing things at school, but we still aren’t seeing it at home. She explained that she’s had years of training us, so she hasn’t needed or wanted to make the adjustment just yet, but it will come. Eventually, she will realize it’s easier.
So what to do until then?
Encourage her. When she wants a glass of milk it's “Rayne you want MILK. You want a cup of MILK. Can you say MILK?” We enunciate the word and say it 2-3 times. I know it’s helped and that she understands. If you ask her if she wants milk but she wants juice, she will whine or say “no”, which is one of the few words Rayne has down. (Because of course she does.)
Her top 3 words are “rocket” (main character on Little Einsteins, “uh-oh”, and “no”. Every once in a while words come through that make sense for the conversation but it’s still rare. We’ve heard “I love you” and we’ve each heard “mommy” and “daddy”. This last school year especially has shown me that my baby will talk. It may be delayed compared to other children, but it’s coming.
Let’s face it, she has my genes, there’s no way this kid wasn’t going to talk. She’s going to start and never stop, even when we beg her to just shush it for a minute. It’ll come and I hope I never forget to be grateful for her little voice.
If you have a nonverbal child, my best advice is to accept they may not talk because then if they don’t, you aren’t disappointed. If they do talk, you’ll be overjoyed.
Lastly, remember to breathe. It can be frustrating and devastating when you just want your child to be able to tell you what they want for dinner! Just remember you’ll learn their language, their way of communicating. It may not be verbal but it’ll be there. You just have to learn to watch & listen.
Keep your head up fellow parents!
Much Love,
M
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