I always imagine that mania has to feel like doing meth or crack. It feels great at the time, I’m pumped up and ready to go, but it’s destructive and the crash is awful.
Mania is defined as
“Extremely elevated and excitable mood usually associated with bipolar disorder.”
Being manic feels great, but it’s without a doubt more destructive than a depressive episode. I can accomplish so much while manic, but I can also set my world on fire and unlike my depressive episodes, people around me will often notice before I do.
With mania being so destructive, it’s important to try to catch it as soon as you can. If you’re not self-aware, it’s good to have people around you who will tell you when they start to notice the signs. The earlier you catch it, the earlier you can intervene.
I’m writing this coming out of my first major manic episode in years. It was intense and took me quite a bit of time to notice. It’s been long enough since my last major episode that even Mike acknowledged he hadn’t seen me like this since we have been together. When I finally realized what was happening was when he said something to me amid a lot of Amazon packages showing up. (We’ll get to that in just a minute).
As we are reaching our court dates for my abuser, I’m finding that the stress is what keeps throwing me back into these manic episodes. Today I threw myself in a doozy screenshotting conversation and seeing a picture of the bed where I was assaulted. Instead of depression, I keep finding myself a manic episodes.
Here are my personal top 5 signs of mania:
1. Talking Fast & A Lot: Very simple but one of the early signs I’m becoming manic. I’ll have trouble staying on one topic and will rapidly bounce between subjects. This one is hard for me to catch and is one of those signs people will often point out to me first. I will rapidly flip through the conversation in my mind and I’ll be unable to articulate it, you’ll only get half of it. I lose my ability to recall what I was trying to explain when you finally ask, “what are you talking about?”
2. Can’t Sleep: I can run on as little as 2 hours when manic. I’ll be up all night and when I’m awake I need to be doing something, like writing this article at 2 in the morning because I woke up. This is even with a sleeping pill 3 hours ago, which is bizarre. I love my sleep but I physically cannot sleep while manic.
3. Spending Money: This is the destructive part, I spend so much money if I’m not careful. Even when careful, I do lose control sometimes. In my head, I can justify why I need to purchase something, and why this will benefit my family. I have to take a lot of precautions including leaving my cards with Mike, staying off Amazon, not shopping alone, and verifying purchases with Mike before putting them through. I can spend thousands before I realize something is wrong. My favorite story I can laugh about now was walking into Best Buy and zero-interest financing $800 worth of Disney Blu-rays. It was for my kids so it seemed like a really good idea at the time.
4. Cleaning: This is most definitely not a complaint but I will clean the entire house when manic, the problem tends to be I do it all in one sitting, and hurt my body. I can compare my manic cleaning to nesting when I reached the end of my pregnancies with my girls. I will hyperfocus on something weird like scrubbing door handles and hinges vs just getting things cleaned and picked up. Usually nothing destructive just silly.
5. Over Estimating My Abilities / Setting Unrealistic Goals: This is where a lot of the destructiveness comes into play. My year and a half in a direct sales company was a prime example of this right after Lilly was born. I went into my first manic episode and continued to rapidly cycle after that first year. When I was given their talk, I bought into it and quickly decided I was going to make $50,000/month like upline. I just had to keep buying thousands of dollars in products. It spiraled out of control as I maxed out every credit card, we had available, if I just bought a little more I’d get it. These unrealistic goals usually lead to spending and burnout. These burnouts lead to crashes that are rough, deep depressions. For whatever reason, not meeting these insane goals is devastating. I will sometimes lose contact with reality during these periods.
I think it’s easy to see how a manic episode can be so destructive, so how do I try to curb the amount of damage when I realize I’m manic?
1. Stay Home: Yes, stay home where it’s safe. I know it seems silly but it's truly the easiest way to stay out of trouble. I’m extremely impulsive so I can keep myself safe by staying in a familiar environment. Keeping myself away from stores and other locations I could get myself into trouble.
2. Have Mike Do the Shopping: This is how I minimize the spending. I’ll force myself to stay off Amazon, or if I don’t I’ll put things in my cart, just won’t buy them! Another great way I’ve found to help deal with this spending feeling is Pinterest! I get to go look up anything I want and save it, but it doesn’t cost me a dime. We will sometimes go as far as to give Mike my credit cards until the worst passes.
3. Taking Sleeping Pills: As directed but yes, sleeping pills will sometimes buy me a little extra sleep. Though there are nights like tonight where it only bought me 2-3 hours, that’s better than nothing. I also have been prescribed a sleeping pill with a span of 4 hours so when I wake at 2-3 am I can still take one more without feeling hungover.
So, as you can see, as great as mania feels, it’s far more destructive than any depressive episode I’ve ever been in.
If you are facing mania, find support. Losing control of some actions and reality not staying intact, you need to find healthy support to get through it and that’s okay.
Much love,
M
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