One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with as I’ve gotten older is how some people can be so cruel. You see it on the news, in day-to-day life, and sometimes you experience it first-hand. I always thought that once you were out of high school it would stop, but it didn’t. I’ve seen bullies, even been bullied throughout my 20’s, and wondered why it hasn’t stopped. So why are people still bullying each other in adulthood?
It's because hurt people, hurt people. Just like back in grade school, the big bully is someone who is struggling with something internally and wants to take it out on someone else. When someone bullies you, it says everything about them and the person they are and has nothing to do with the person you are. I had to really take a second to learn this the last few years when I ran into a set of bullies myself. I’d cry and ask why; why me, why can’t they just leave me alone, why do they have to be so nasty? It took me a lot of pain and heartache to get to the point of understanding that it was something they were dealing with and had nothing to do with me.
So how do you deal with adult bullies? Here are my top 3 tips based on a bully I faced this last year!
1. Stop Engaging: This was hard for me because I always assumed that if I talked to them enough, they’d stop. Maybe if I talked to them, they’d connect with me and stop it. Kill them with kindness, right? Wrong. There was one man in particular that bullied me nonstop, he’d poke and poke and poke until I reacted, then would point out my reaction and how crazy I was. Then every time we’d talk, he’d gaslight the hell out of me and I’d question my own sanity. There was nothing I could have said or done, he was not going to let up. I had to walk away from the situation accepting there was nothing I could do. Now, my life has been so much better that I don’t engage with this individual.
2. Accept It’s Not You, It’s Them: Again, this was difficult because I’m the first one to always blame myself. I always assume it’s my fault. However, you can only do this so many times before it takes its toll. So, once I was out of the situation and able to take a look at the picture I realized what was happening. This man lives a very miserable life, hates himself, and just overall is a miserable human being. He saw someone who wears their heart on their sleeve and realized he could beat up on me mentally and emotionally. Just like the bully in grade school, he lacks something inside himself, and it comes out as bullying those around him. He’s trying to make himself feel better. It took me a long time to understand it was him, not me.
3. Accept the Apology You’ll Never Receive: 99% of the time, you won’t receive an apology, a huge number of adults lack the ability to acknowledge when they’ve made a mistake. However, if you don’t learn to forgive, it’s going to eat you alive. I let this situation ruin my mental health for too long, I finally had to take a step back and come to terms with what had happened. My anger turned to sympathy for the middle-aged man who had to bully someone half his age because he was sad. He’s hurting and I was the target that gave him a little relief. Does it mean it doesn’t still hurt? Nope. But I don’t have that burning anger inside me anymore, it’s a sadness for what happened, a sadness for him, and sadness for the ‘friendship’ I thought we had and lost. Anger is the easiest step, sadness is next, and eventually, the sadness will fade away. Anger is a poison that only hurt you. Remember that.
As you can see, this is nothing groundbreaking, but hopefully, something that can help you in dealing with that bully in your life. Remember to take a step back, breathe, and look at the whole picture. It’s easy to get caught up in what’s happening and you forget to be the bigger person. They aren’t worth disrupting your inner peace.
Much Love,
M
Comments