Mayo Clinic’s definition of borderline personality disorder is:
“Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feels about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.”
My definition is:
“Hell.”
Bipolar is awful enough, but what causes the most angst in my life is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is something you develop; it is not something passed down genetically. Mine was developed from environmental factors. I was abandoned by my father and faced a lot of neglect & emotional neglect/abuse growing up. I grew up around untreated mental illness and it caused me to feel unsafe in showing my true feelings. This is a very common reason for developing BPD.
This is what led me to the person I am today. To further exemplify the idea that we are affected by our environment as much as we are by genetics. My wonderful husband went through very traumatic events as a kid and it made him a kinder & stronger person. This was due to his amazing father. His father saved him from a lot of pain by removing him from the situation. Mike has taken to be a lot like his father. One could also look at the thousands of cases of PTSD which are not limited to our military heroes. For me, my trauma broke me in a way that I wish it hadn’t. It broke me in a way that can never be fixed, I just duct tape it with meds & seeing doctors regularly.
I want to go through the worst symptoms of BPD off of Mayo Clinic’s website that affect me personally. I’m hoping this will reach someone who has it and needs to feel less alone OR a significant other of people with BPD. I hope this helps someone out there.
· An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection: This is, and most likely always will be, my biggest struggle. Any time Mike and I “fight” or have an emotional discussion, he has to reassure me we are okay, will be okay, and that he’s not leaving me. It’s not a matter of me being dramatic, it’s a matter of a deep-rooted fear that every one good in my life is going to leave me.
· Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all: This is a weekly cycle for me. I will go from #selflove to wondering what kind of higher power would put me here. “I’m a burden, I’m a bad person, I do nothing but hurt people” are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head. Typically I can shake it pretty quickly, especially by talking to Mike, but it doesn’t lessen the pain when it hits.
· Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours: As scary as this sounds it's true but luckily doesn’t happen very often for me. When we have something extremely stressful happen I become overly paranoid, I start piecing together reasons my friends all hate me and why I think Mike is going to break up with me. It will get bad enough for VERY brief periods that I am completely out of touch with reality. It’s scary.
· Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship: When I am in a relationship, I keep this kind of behavior at bay for the most part. When married to my ex-husband, I walked out on a job twice even though we financially couldn’t afford it. Both were call centers and taking a major toll on my mental health, but any sane person would have lined up a new job first. After both of my divorces, I went off the rails. I was drinking like you wouldn’t believe, using Tinder like a rolodex. I wasn’t suicidal, but I also didn’t care if I died. I luckily never got into drugs and a higher power kept me safe from the chaos I was in. We do this because we feel empty, we feel nothing or we feel pain, so we need something to make us feel alive. When I’m happy inside a relationship, I have a purpose, I am happy, and I have reasons not to die. You may be saying “what about your kids”… well during these times I feel they are better off without me.
· Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection: I never was one to threaten this kind of thing, but I have struggled with self-harm for years. I am finally free of it but it was so hard giving up cutting. I didn’t show them off for attention, I kept them hidden because the cuts were for me. It’s a sensory-seeking behavior, one that could pull me out of an anxiety attack. The sharp pain of a cut across the arm would pull me back to reality and help me breathe. It’s dark, and it’s hard to understand, but it’s the truth.
· Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety: My friends reading this are going to get to this one and have a little chuckle. I deal with my pain by using humor and boy do we make fun of how often my mood swings. The truth of it is I can swing into a foul mood, I feel the fear of being left so I leave you first, then I snap back to reality, and the shame & guilt kick in. Sometimes people forgive me, sometimes they don’t, and at the end of the day that is on me. Luckily, I have made progress and am learning to breathe before reacting. No messaging, no removing anyone, no blocking, not until I’m sure what to do.
· Ongoing feelings of emptiness: This one is hard for me because I have the life I’ve always wanted, the one I prayed for so long. I’m a good mom, I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, bills are paid, and my fridge is full. I know I’ll never know what it's like to be hungry due to not being able to afford food again. So how can I still have this empty feeling at times?! It’s because I have a mental illness for life and no amount of happiness will make it go away.
It’s a painfully empty feeling, this is why we so often self-harm & participate in other risky behaviors… we need to feel something. It’s so awful to feel nothing, to feel your body is an empty shell that is going to just crumble.
· Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights: I’m not one to fight physically, but I have a temper. I always laugh at the meme: ‘I envy people who can keep their composure when mad. When I’m mad it’s like open mic night at the tap house!’ It’s exactly how I feel much of the time. I can get quite spicey, quite quickly. I like to say I have a very low bullshit tolerance.
So as if the symptoms were enough, here are a few things to make it worse.
There is a major stigma around BPD and not every doctor supports us. Few don’t believe it’s a thing, some believe we are beyond help, and there are ones out there that refuse to work with us. To make that even worse, Canada has passed a bill saying BPD patients can now participate in assisted suicide. They don’t want to help them get any sort of treatment, but they will help kill them. It breaks my heart because I know without my kids, I don’t know why I wouldn’t take that route if I lived there.
We are misunderstood and the more anger & hatred we are met with, the worse we get. BPD needs to be met with love, understanding, and hope! Hope that we can make progress. Hope that things will get better with some work & meds.
People with BPD need to never give up on making improvements. Find the middle ground of loving yourself the way you are and still wanting to make improvements where you can. Don’t have the attitude of “this is me; you get what you get” because that implies you aren’t making improvements. BPD or no BPD we can always make improvements on ourselves. However, people with BPD have more to overcome and need to put in the extra work.
BPD is not an excuse for treating people horribly, but I hope that eventually, people will have more understanding for us when we do have episodes. When my brain is overloading and I’m losing touch with reality, loving me will help, meeting me with hatred will not. I will disconnect even more to get away from the pain. Learn to meet BPD with love and we can make progress.
My fellow BPDs remember:
We feel the deepest pain BUT
We see the brightest colors
Feel the most concentrated amount of joy
And see beauty in the world in ways others can only imagine.
Much Love,
M
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