It’s been no secret that I’m struggling mentally. Keeping up with anything right now seems like a huge task. But I’m doing it, I’m pushing myself harder than ever before to not collapse into a depression coma, where I do nothing but sleep. I’m in the midst of a med change and we all know those take forever to get into your system and make a difference. So, it’s a waiting game right now.
While all this has been going on, I keep getting asked, “Why”. Why am I depressed? What’s going on? Is there something bothering me?
And the answer is: Nothing is wrong, my life is the best it’s ever been, and I don’t know why.
It’s a horrible feeling to know you should be happy but your brain won’t let you be.
Mike has been amazing during this, picking up extra slack like dishes and such that seem like such daunting tasks. He makes sure I eat and keeps me motivated to keep trying. We’ve gotten new pets and things that would normally bring me so much joy, but because there’s an imbalance in my brain the excitement quickly fades and I’m back to feeling empty.
When I step back and truly look at my life, I know how amazing it is. My kids are healthy, my fiancé is the most amazing man in the world, we now have two sweet doggies, I have all the fish I’ve ever wanted, I finally have my sweet axolotls, I have friends who care about me, a beautiful home, and I’m loved. So how could someone with all that be sad?
When your brain doesn’t work right, nothing can change it except medication. And when that medication takes 4-6 weeks to take effect, there’s nothing you can do but wait. It’s the brutal truth of living with mental illness.
I love that I have people who care enough to make sure I’m okay, but I don’t have answers for them and it’s frustrating.
Just know that when someone in your life is depressed and doesn’t have an answer for why, it’s okay. Life could be perfect and if your brain isn’t functioning right, you can’t do anything about it other than wait for it to pass or wait for the meds to kick in.
Much love,
M
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